I'm not gonna be nice with it. It's plain and simple.
Took some gruesome photos of myself and it was a cold hard slap in the face.
It was painful to look at the rolls and muffins. And the fact that I was holding my breath when the photo was taken did not make anything look better and made me feel even worse.
169 freaking pounds. What the hell happened. Of course I know the answer to that question.
I .. happened. The excuses happened.
I can't even bring myself to post the "full-frontal". It's difficult to look at what I had done to myself.
Maybe that's the problem.
I can't seem to find a good middle ground with my body. I find myself either morbidly obese or with an eating disorder.
There I said it.
The only way I lost the weight in the past was through extreme exercise and purging. I was 121 lbs in this "skinny-photo". I appear smiling, but there's a whole lot of scary shit that's going on behind that smile.
It was hell
I never want to find myself in that hole ever again.
I'm doing it the right way, not a temporary fix.
I don't want this whole losing weight journey a permanent full-time job.
I just want to freaking live and not worry about whether I put in my mouth is gonna be the source of regret later.
Is that even possible?