Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Cold Reality Slap in the Face

I am Fat.

I'm not gonna be nice with it. It's plain and simple. 

Took some gruesome photos of myself and it was a cold hard slap in the face.

 It was painful to look at the rolls and muffins. And the fact that I was holding my breath when the photo was taken did not make anything look better and made me feel even worse.

169 freaking pounds. What the hell happened. Of course I know the answer to that question.

 I .. happened. The excuses happened.

I can't even bring myself to post the "full-frontal". It's difficult to look at what I had done to myself.

Maybe that's the problem. 


I can't seem to find a good middle ground with my body. I find myself either morbidly obese or with an eating disorder.

There I said it.
The only way I lost the weight in the past was through extreme exercise and purging. I was 121 lbs in this "skinny-photo". I appear smiling, but there's a whole lot of scary shit that's going on behind that smile.

It was hell

I never want to find myself in that hole ever again.

I'm doing it the right way, not a temporary fix.

I don't want this whole losing weight journey a permanent full-time job.

I just want to freaking live and not worry about whether I put in my mouth is gonna be the source of regret later.

Is that even possible?

6 comments:

  1. Gertie girl, I had no idea. Actually I don't think your back shot looks that bad, of course that is because I compare it to me (one day I'll post my half nekky pics too). Maybe as you progress through nursing you'll make contacts that can help you, because of course weight issues, be it too much or too little are so tied up in to our emotions and life experiences.

    We're here for you though.

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  2. I applaud you for trying to do things the right way this time and for having the courage to admit that your methods in the past were dangerous. I know that you can do this and just so you know, you might be overweight and uncomfortable in your body, but your *bum* and arms look great, lol! My bootay is definitely not as high up! Kudos for having the courage to post!

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  3. Gertie,
    I know you feel defeated but let it go and move on!!! You can do this and I am right to cherr you on!!! What do you think you are doing wrong sweetheart? Not enough exercise? Not eating the right foods.Talk and maybe we can help you.

    Lynn

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  4. BIG Hugs to you ladies! :) I appreciate you all thank you

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  5. Revamp. I'm always revamping something. For me I found Calorie counting makes me more hungier than not counting calories and it's not because I'm eating more while not counting. I'm eating the same things I'm just not obsessing over it.

    You look fine, theres nothing that a halter bikini top can't fix for when you want to go swimming. I know we like to focus on the negative mostly but take a look at the postive. Your butt and legs look awesome! :) *Hugs* You will get there sooner than you think.

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  6. Thanks girl I appreciate the support <3

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